Welcome to the blog of Sir Dave where you can find news, appointment availability, new purchases, new ideas and just my thoughts on life work and the world. Oh and maybe the odd photo or collection of photo's I like.
Safe BDSM is sexy BDSM and for me safewords are a key to that.
I never play without a safeword and I want to explain more about that and why they are so important. I have a very simple safeword that I use in all of my sessions, and it is quite commonly used by others in the kink world, and it is RED.
What is a safeword and why have them?
Quite simply they are a codeword that communicates you need the scene and session to stop. Depending on the nature of the scene you may struggle, you may shout out you may say No! You may beg and plead for the tickling to stop for example. But you do not want it to stop … it is part of the experience and play.
This is where communication in BDSM can get complicated. So, we agree a codeword or as we know it … a safeword. A word or phrase that communicates you need to stop playing. But it needs to be a word that you would not usually use in the scene – so “No” and “Stop” aren’t usually used. You can of course use them, and if you wish to make sure your play partner understands that!
But most often people will use a word that would not be used in a scene – Banana for example. You must choose something simple and easy to remember. If one of the players can’t remember it’s Banana, they may suddenly develop fruit-based Tourette’s calling out various fruit names trying to find the right one!
So, I always use RED. It is simple and easy to remember – I remind subs with the phrase “think of a traffic lights – red is stop!” There is now a visualisation of the colour in their mind and my incredibly basic understanding of psychology is that if you relate it to something you can see it helps store that memory.
Why may you use it?
There are many reasons! I cannot give an extensive list, but I can give ideas that may help to understand why you may need to use a safeword.
For example, something does not feel right.
Maybe you are in bondage and something is pinching, or you feel it is too tight (fingers are tingling are an excellent example). Maybe your worried you are not secure, the top has tied you up safely and you are not going to fall, break anything. But because if the position or maybe blindfold you cannot see that. Your brain is now thinking “but what if something happens” you cannot relax and enjoy the scene.
Or maybe the scene has become too intense for you? You thought you could take what you are doing, you have committed, you have tried, but right now in this moment it is not working.
Maye you wanted a hard flogging or caning – you wanted to be pushed hard, you wanted to explore your pain limits. But today is not right day for that – your head is not in the right frame of mind.
Or you suddenly feel unwell or faint maybe – and you need to alert your partner to that.
There is also one reason that can seem so frustrating at the time. You are having a great scene, this is beating every fantasy you ever had, it is the horniest most amazing experience of our life. And then *snap* something goes in your brain and suddenly out of nowhere. No warning, your brain is suddenly … NO! ABORT! DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! ABORT!
You need to stop. The best description is that you are having an anxiety / panic attack. This is something I have had the displeasure of experiencing – and it is really important you communicate that quickly!
You may feel that you want to carry on, but if you are having some sort of anxiety attack you need to stop and pause. Your selfcare is paramount – no matter how much you feel the other person is enjoying what you are doing.
If you do not feel safe, mentally, physically or emotionally you need to communicate that.
I never see reasons for using a safeword as a failure by the sub / bottom, I always tell people do not push beyond your limits to please me or because you think it will please me. If it pushes you to something or somewhere you are not comfortable then STOP.
It will be much better mentally and emotionally. This self-care is so important – both the sub and the Dom have a responsibility to look after their own safety and wellbeing.
And this responsibility also gives the Dom the option to Safeword end a scene. And that is important to understand – many people assume safewords they are only for subs. The anxiety attack, feeling unwell or faint for example. The Dom needs to recognise them and communicate to the sub they need to stop and stop immediately.
They may need to do that to safely remove any restrictions on the sub to release them for example. I have used a safeword as a Dom in a scene before. The sub was furious with me for stopping something they loved and were enjoying so much, and they were very vocal about that – even after my explaining the situation. That lack of respect for me looking after my own wellbeing meant that I will not see them again.
There are many reasons a Dom safe words, and that must be accepted – consent is a two-way process!
What happens if you use a safeword?
It depends on the scene and what is going on at that moment, but I can give a general idea. Firstly, I will stop whatever we are doing and check “are you ok?”
I will start by removing anything on the head / face / mouth first and then I will take any restraints off in an order that means you are safe – so that they will not fall over. All the time talking to you – making sure you are ok, discuss what you are feeling and what you need to do.
In the dungeon I will have water available, a fan to cool if too hot, a blanket if cold, an energy drink or sweets if blood sugar feels low, just some simple essential supplies. Maybe your emotions have overwhelmed you a bit and you just need a hug.
Whatever aftercare and reassurance you need in that moment is my focus to help you come down and relax safely and comfortably.
But what if you have a gag in or a heavy deprivation hood and your ability to communicate verbally is restricted – what then?
This is a little harder, but something that can be negotiated. Let us say you are in the bondage chair, heavy hood on or gagged and your strapped down. You can’t talk easily, so I use a simple gesture to communicate – repeated movements.
Open and close your fists or wave left to right for example. But not once! Keep doing it until I have noticed and acknowledged it by touching your hands (or body part moving). If you continue to do it once I touch you, I know that is the same as saying RED.
What if you are in a sleep sack? This time bend your feet back and forth – a repetitive motion that you are clearly doing on purpose.
But as I say – it is negotiation prior to the scene and there are many options.
One more thing
Just before I finish off, I want to add a final option to the use of safewords – green and orange. You may want to slow down a little, but not stop … so orange /amber is a good one to use, again traffic lights.
And if you think I may be slowing down or worried, or maybe you want to communicate you want to push harder? Green … keep going!
But most of all remember to negotiate and agree before starting any session! Don’t assume a partner uses the same safeword system as you … and never play without one!
Yesterday was World Mental Health Day (#WMHD2019 or #WorldMentalHealthDay) and there have been so many awesome posts on social media, websites, TV and programmes about mental health. People have been sharing their personal experiences of Mental Health, the obstacles they have overcome, the battles they still fight every day and how their lives have been affected.
Over the past five to ten years mental health awareness has really come on. The phrase “it’s ok to not be ok” is one that I never heard growing up, people are much more comfortable talking about mental health, offering support to others and hopefully asking for help.
Mental health is complicated. Improving and maintaining mental health isn’t easy, and there are countless ways of doing that. And it’s important that we all find the best way for us to help maintain our own health. That could be playing sport, a hobby, a social group, counselling, going to the gym, gaming, work, medication, spa treatments, baking, knitting, gardening, sex or something completely different.
Sex is good for your mental health? Yes it is, but this is not to talk about sex and claim a blow job can solve your anxiety attacks or is some miracle cure – it isn’t! Indeed for some sex is the cause of their mental health issues, this is a blog post to share some stories of my experiences not to be taken as any advice or as offering any solutions.
A part of people’s mental health is their sexual fulfilment, some people don’t need to have sex very often – once or twice a year and they are chilled and relaxed as anything. Others, they need to come at least two times a day or they get really cranky!
And sexual desire is such a strong emotional need in people, it is hard to ignore. Ignoring it can lead to problems in the short term (until you shoot) or even long term mental health problems if you don’t feel satisfied.
For some people a wank to some horny pictures or videos provides short term relief, but they want or often need something more. They need to not just see someone get tied up and choke on a fat dick they need to experience it, to feel it.
But for so many reasons they can’t – their partner isn’t into bondage, they aren’t aggressive enough, they don’t have the leather that makes your dick drool, they don’t have a dick, they aren’t very sexually active, you want someone outside the relationship to take control and ‘abuse’ you (quotes to indicate consensually), you’re too embarrassed/ashamed to ask them, you don’t know how to meet up with someone who does this, you are worried about STI’s and safety, you are single and don’t want anyone to know about your kink, your not sure if you will like it and want to know its ok to say no I changed my mind, you feel your kink is socially taboo, you feel you are too young / old / thin / fat / tall / short / not muscular enough / too musclar to find anyone to play with, why would anyone want to play with someone inexperienced who hasn’t done anything before?
All of these and countless more are reasons clients have booked sessions with me.
All of these are completely valid ways to feel because they are your feelings – if you think you are too fat but I think you have the sexiest body and I tell you will that make a difference in your head? Probably not. If someone else tells you you look like a fat pig will that make a difference in your head? Absolutely. A very negative one!!
One of the things about booking with me, and I hope most sex workers, is that we only make you feel sexy! And in my job, I get to give you one of the most powerful tools in helping maintain mental health – touch!
So yes, sex workers are also mental health workers in some ways. Most of us aren’t qualified in any form of psychological treatment or understanding, but we are very well qualified in good times, in physical times!
So I wanted to share some general stories some of my clients have told me over the years. Examples showing how sex work has had a positive impact on their mental health.
A common reason clients visit me is they have harboured kinky desires for as long as they can remember. But they haven’t been confident or felt embarrassed in exploring them. This frustration has built up a little in their head, they have an itch … just a small one, but this tiny itch doesn’t seem to go away. So one day they pick up the phone and build the courage to say out loud to someone what they desire … the nerves, oh my god you can hear the nerves. Sometimes they are physically shaking on the phone, they say they can’t say because it’s ’embarrassing’. I always say I will never judge, criticise or mock you and I am the one person you can tell this secret to. I am the person you can confide in and know its safe.
The buzz they often get from that, knowing that someone has said “yeah, that sounds horny I look forward to doing it!” is immense. But that is nothing to the rush that can come when they get to experience it!
I remember a few times at the end of a session during aftercare (which takes as long as we need) a few clients have just sat on the floor / chair in a slightly dazed world of sheer bliss. The endorphins are cascading, they are just flying on another world. And that takes some time to come down from, the rush lasts just a few minutes or hours but the overall feeling, clients have told me that can go on for days or even weeks. That release of emotion and energy is a wave that they can just ride on.
I always remember one of my eldest clients would come for occasional sessions when he could, each time making a joke this one could be his last before dying – he was nearly 90. After his second session, he said something to me that has really stuck ever since. He said that when he is on his death bed, when he is looking back on his life he wants to be able to look back at the experiences he had in his life, the memories of special moments that made him feel alive. He told me those times with me, the ones he could never tell anyone about, those were the ones he truly felt alive and would never forget. Material things are important, but when you are reaching the end of your life you realise that the size of your bank account doesn’t really matter at all … but enjoying your life, “living in those moments” means everything.
I’ve had several people come for a series of sessions, some over a few weeks, some over a few months or years. But they have all had one thing in common … a desire to explore their kinky side. But not really sure how.
When anyone looks at my website, twitter etc and decides they feel confident in paying me to do this it is both a huge honour and responsibility for me! And one that I take seriously, it has to be a positive experience for them. They are starting down a road with a map they may not be able to read or so many routes to go down they don’t know where to go.
To see people come, so nervous, talking those first steps and then seeing them going to some of the biggest fetish clubs and events in the country, to building their own kink lives both online and in person. To see how happy they are, enjoying their newly found confidence and interests in kink, leather, rubber, puppies, big ass toys is incredible. I may not benefit ‘financially’ from these people any more, I have done my job, but I still get so much joy from seeing those introductions did something so positive for them.
I have married clients with families that are their worlds. But they have this itch, something that they need to explore. A place they need to escape to, to leave their daily lives at the door and just let go of all responsibility and control. I may only know them by an assumed first name, they only know me as Sir. But I also know that since they began seeing me their lives have improved immensely, they feel less stressed, less anxious, less depressed.
A little valve is opened every so often to let out all the negative emotions and feelings. These men are so dedicated to their partners they would never want to cheat on them. They don’t want or need a relationship with someone else, they just need some physical release and action that is outside their daily lives – they need to escape for a few hours. Sometimes after a session ends they have feelings of guilt wash over them, but they know I am here to talk to them about it if they wish in the hours, days or weeks afterwards. Not as a counsellor, but as someone who has shared some experiences and has an understanding of others in the same situation as them. But they have all said that guilt gives way to happiness, happiness in being able to continue with their lives and loved ones without worry or compromise. Knowing that they won’t be found on Tinder, Grindr, Recon or having to escape somewhere with the worry and risk of STI’s they would have to explain.
And finally, there have been a couple of moments that have meant more to me than anything. Some very different long term clients who I have got to know quite well. After sessions, we always enjoy a chat and a brew – putting the world to right. Every so often we will be discussing life, sessions or wherever the topic has taken us, and then they just happen to mention I had saved their lives.
One day while at home they did a search on Google for some advice or help, and for whatever reason found my website and booked a session. Then several months or years later after a session they tell me that they were planning on killing themselves. In one case a few days after their session with me.
But seeing me, for being able to enjoy some time, the physical experience and touch was so powerful for them it was transformational for their mental health. The clouds started to clear, very slowly (but enough) at first, but then they just started to blow away. Oh they come back, but never as thick or dark as before. But they feel much more able to work through the dark times now.
Knowing that doing something you love to do has helped people is amazing and something special.
I’m not saying visiting an escort will solve mental health! I am saying, for some it helps them. And I am also saying if you are struggling to any degree reach out to someone.
That could be a friend, a colleague, a therapist, a bartender, a fuck bud, a Master, a boy, a dog (bio or human), a helpline, a social media post, or yes a sex worker.
Whoever or whatever that help is please reach for it. If you feel there is no escape, if you feel that suicide is your only way out please pick up the phone and call 116 123 and talk. You won’t be judged, you won’t be traced, you won’t be told “don’t do it”, but you will be listened to. Before you do whatever it is you want to do please do me a favour, just wait five minutes. And in those five minutes call 116 123 and have a chat.
See how you feel afterwards.
If you need to talk to someone then in the UK you can call The Samaritans on 116 123 any time – any time of day or night any day of the year. Mental health doesn’t have a day off just because its Christmas or a bank holiday.
There is an assumption that you can only call them if you are really depressed, really suffering or even suicidal. These are all myths! Anyone can call them at any time, if you are just having a stressful time and want to talk to get it off your chest they are there to listen. They may be able to point you to organisations or sites that help, but they aren’t going to judge you, to tell you to pull yourself together, they are there to listen to you and give you the time and space to say what you want completely confidentially.
And by confidential it really is, the volunteer at the end of the phone has no way of seeing your phone number.
It’s good to talk.
You may have heard about a new boy on the block … Kinkster App. Lots of people are getting excited about it, me for one. And lots of people are asking why do we need yet another bloody hook up app when we have Recon, Grindr, Scruff, FetLife, Twitter, Growlr, Grommr, Gaydar (is that still a thing?) and plenty other less well known or used sites.
I thought rather then just sharing my signup code I’d help explain why Kinkster is different, why it is needed and why you need to sign up.
For the benefit of the community
One of the biggest differences between Kinkster and pretty much all the other apps is profit.
The team being Kinkster have setup the company as a Community Interest Company and not the traditional Limited company most businesses use. A CIC has to be run as a community or social enterprise – the profits are for the community or to be put back into the organisation to help build it and develop it. Not for the profit or benefit of the shareholders.
So the focus isn’t on becoming rich – it isn’t on making money, by law it has to be on (in this case) connecting a community together and helping that community meet and support each other.
It isn’t actually an app
The name is Kinkster.App – it’s an app to meet like minded guys, girls and those yet to decide. And to build social connections, to chat to people, engage in discussion and find events to attend.
But it isn’t an app … you won’t get it from the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.
It’s a website, a website that does a lot of clever stuff to look and work like an app.
And why is that a good thing?
Take a look at Recon and Scruff – they are getting more and more restricted in what you can show on a photo, Scruff’s latest rules are incredibly restrictive for something based around sex. And that isn’t anything to do with Scruff – that is the choice of Apple. They are getting stricter and stricter with sex related apps and anything hinting at consensual sexual activity. BLUF recently worked tirelessly to get an app approved that was just for event listings. It mentioned fetish so they wouldn’t approve it for distribution via the App store. And if it isn’t on the app store it is practically impossible to your app out to iPhone users.
Recon photos have to be assessed to see if they are App friendly. For android you can get around this by installing an App that hasn’t come via the Play Store, but I do fear it is only a matter of time before Recon disappears from the App stores.
So if it isn’t an app and just a website that means it doesn’t need any corporates approval for you to use it. It just needs to satisfy the laws of the country. And it makes it a lot easier for the developers to roll out fixes, features and updates – because you don’t have to do anything!
And it won’t take up critical storage space on your device.
“But a website only works when online, an app works all the time.” Sure, but if your not online how you going to find shags and chat to people around you? How you going to send a message or read someones feed? Everything about a social connections app needs online access. So an App has no real significant benefit other then making development harder, slower, more expensive for the business behind it while making the stores (ie Apple and Google) money.
It’s not just for kinksters’s
There is a second site called GMeet … if Kinkster is a new Recon, GMeet is a new Grindr. Meet guys who want to fuck, but don’t want all the accessories and dressing up to go with it. And its also for the social side of life – its not just about wanna shag? Both apps are about the social as well as sexual connections we make, sometimes those social also involve gear, sometimes they don’t.
At some point I fully expect Twitter to succumb to the political pressure of being an American Corporate and have to ban any mention of knobs, bums and sex. Unlike tumblr it isn’t predominately porn based, but the business model of traditional advertising companies and sex don’t go together too well.
So GMeet and Kinkster will also have a feed option that you can follow people on, or maybe even a group to meet like minded people. Sounds like twitter, so it offers much more social interaction rather then just messaging,
And the sites lets you manage this through one login – so you don’t need to login to loads of apps. And it also lets you create up to three separate profiles on each site (three on Kinkster and three on GMeet), If you are a big scat perv and know that puts a lot of guys off, create a profile for your pig side and one for your sluttier side maybe and then one for your pup or inner baby. Or for the vanilla site a gaming profile, a cooking one and one for work maybe.
The site also won’t be exclusively gay, LGBT+ or male only. And this has been one of the problems I think sites like FetLife has faced in building its gay membership – a lot of guys don’t want to chat to people they aren’t sexually interested in. So there will be options on either site (Kinkster and GMeet) where you can set who you are visible to in searches etc. You may have a social GMeet profile that is happier to meet quite a wide range of people, but a Kink side that is targeted to only Male or Female partners.
Yes, but do we really need another app?
All the existing ones have their failings, some too restrictive in content, some promote themselves and their own events too much, some only allow certain types of people (some sites even filter by are you good looking or rich enough to be a member).
Kinkster and GMeet are hoping to build a broader spectrum of appeal, that isn’t so restricted by corporate approval policies and that is designed to build connections and community. Not just about sex.
Still not sure? I haven’t seen the app myself yet – just seen what they have posted online and had some discussions with the developers. They are very open to suggestions and ideas on how to make it an amazing platform. But they need to launch it slowly, test it, develop it and see what the community wants. So give feedback and ideas, don’t expect it to be included on launch but if it is a good idea you may see it in a future version.
Claim your name
In closing, it will be worth claiming your name now. Your ID is your address online, so grab it before anyone else does. Even if you don’t want to use it you can make sure no one pretends to be you.
Click the picture above to signup, and let’s see what happens!
Images used with permission.
You may have seen my Puppy Hood Visualiser on the site, which has proved popular in helping pups design their own looks!
And you, hopefully, follow me over on Instagram. One of the things that is very important on Instagram is the use hashtags, but it gets quite boring writing out lists of hash tags each time. And you ideally want to be using a variety of hashtags for each post to add exposure to your posts. And so I have now published my Kinky Instagram Hashtag Tool!
It allows you to easily create text and hashtag lists for Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr or wherever else you want to post a list of kinky hash tags. The lists I have created myself and it currently contains 322 hashtags in 6 categories, with more to be added! If you want to suggest new tags please email them over to me at [email protected]
So sit back, create your tags and feel free to share the link.
Better still let me know your own Instagram account!
After a visit to Benidorm I’ve been talking about writing this post. My intention is to continue the conversation that has taken place over the years on the attitude to the body beautiful in the fetish scene. In everyday life, newspapers, magazines, fashion shows, advertising there has been discussion on body image.
I’m not sure the fetish community, one built on different sexual tastes fully acknowledges the issue. And we as members of that community need to tackle it. Body shaming isn’t done by a community, it is done by individuals and we all need to take responsibility for that.
One of the things I love about fetish is the diverse range of people it attracts. Personally, I love the bigger guys, extra weight and bulk is definitely a good thing for me. If I see someone who I don’t find attractive I don’t mock them, I don’t try and embarrass them, I don’t make jokes about them with my friends. I just move on.
Because we are constantly shown this barrage of “the perfect man” anyone who doesn’t fit that is all too often considered an acceptable butt of the joke.