Welcome to the blog of Sir Dave where you can find news, appointment availability, new purchases, new ideas and just my thoughts on life work and the world. Oh and maybe the odd photo or collection of photo's I like.
At this time, I do not have a firm date on which I start sessions again, I am hoping it will be the middle of July 2020. But as with everything the last few months, nothing can be set in stone and we need to evaluate the situation nearer the time.
When I am able to start seeing people again I will initially be limiting to one booking per day to give me time to complete the extra work that is going to be needed between sessions.
This may require I take a deposit for all bookings to ensure I get to see everyone who wants to visit. I cannot afford timewasters!
As soon as you arrive, I will have hand sanitiser for us both to use! Then while we have our usual chat about the session, and I will ask about your current wellbeing and health to makes sure we both feel happy to continue – if you do not feel 100%, have a temperature or any of the symptoms do not come!
Once the date is confirmed as always if you cannot make a session please tell me! If you do not cancel you will forfeit any deposit. I would rather you call the day before and cancel so that we can rebook the session.
One change I have made in the dungeon is to remove all toys and equipment from display. It will mean that I do not have everything immediately to hand, but also means I know anything that has been used is out and needs cleaning.
I always clean everything after every session, but with Coronavirus everyone is stepping up these efforts. All toys and equipment are disinfected using an appropriate cleaning product – I have various disinfectants and surface cleaners available that kill both bacteria and viruses.
I also need to think about the gear that I wear. Clothing and towels are all washed at 60 degrees with detergent. But some gear like leather and boots are harder so will be cleaned with appropriate cleaning solutions and conditioners.
There may be some activities that we aren’t able to do, and if there is anything particular you are looking for please let me know in advance so I can prepare and ensure we can do as much as possible want safely.
Do not forget any prepayments for sessions paid before I start to see people again are reduced by 20%. Things are changing all the time, so if you have any questions please get in touch, ask and keep an eye on my blog here and twitter for updates.
Safe BDSM is sexy BDSM and for me safewords are a key to that.
I never play without a safeword and I want to explain more about that and why they are so important. I have a very simple safeword that I use in all of my sessions, and it is quite commonly used by others in the kink world, and it is RED.
What is a safeword and why have them?
Quite simply they are a codeword that communicates you need the scene and session to stop. Depending on the nature of the scene you may struggle, you may shout out you may say No! You may beg and plead for the tickling to stop for example. But you do not want it to stop … it is part of the experience and play.
This is where communication in BDSM can get complicated. So, we agree a codeword or as we know it … a safeword. A word or phrase that communicates you need to stop playing. But it needs to be a word that you would not usually use in the scene – so “No” and “Stop” aren’t usually used. You can of course use them, and if you wish to make sure your play partner understands that!
But most often people will use a word that would not be used in a scene – Banana for example. You must choose something simple and easy to remember. If one of the players can’t remember it’s Banana, they may suddenly develop fruit-based Tourette’s calling out various fruit names trying to find the right one!
So, I always use RED. It is simple and easy to remember – I remind subs with the phrase “think of a traffic lights – red is stop!” There is now a visualisation of the colour in their mind and my incredibly basic understanding of psychology is that if you relate it to something you can see it helps store that memory.
Why may you use it?
There are many reasons! I cannot give an extensive list, but I can give ideas that may help to understand why you may need to use a safeword.
For example, something does not feel right.
Maybe you are in bondage and something is pinching, or you feel it is too tight (fingers are tingling are an excellent example). Maybe your worried you are not secure, the top has tied you up safely and you are not going to fall, break anything. But because if the position or maybe blindfold you cannot see that. Your brain is now thinking “but what if something happens” you cannot relax and enjoy the scene.
Or maybe the scene has become too intense for you? You thought you could take what you are doing, you have committed, you have tried, but right now in this moment it is not working.
Maye you wanted a hard flogging or caning – you wanted to be pushed hard, you wanted to explore your pain limits. But today is not right day for that – your head is not in the right frame of mind.
Or you suddenly feel unwell or faint maybe – and you need to alert your partner to that.
There is also one reason that can seem so frustrating at the time. You are having a great scene, this is beating every fantasy you ever had, it is the horniest most amazing experience of our life. And then *snap* something goes in your brain and suddenly out of nowhere. No warning, your brain is suddenly … NO! ABORT! DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! ABORT!
You need to stop. The best description is that you are having an anxiety / panic attack. This is something I have had the displeasure of experiencing – and it is really important you communicate that quickly!
You may feel that you want to carry on, but if you are having some sort of anxiety attack you need to stop and pause. Your selfcare is paramount – no matter how much you feel the other person is enjoying what you are doing.
If you do not feel safe, mentally, physically or emotionally you need to communicate that.
I never see reasons for using a safeword as a failure by the sub / bottom, I always tell people do not push beyond your limits to please me or because you think it will please me. If it pushes you to something or somewhere you are not comfortable then STOP.
It will be much better mentally and emotionally. This self-care is so important – both the sub and the Dom have a responsibility to look after their own safety and wellbeing.
And this responsibility also gives the Dom the option to Safeword end a scene. And that is important to understand – many people assume safewords they are only for subs. The anxiety attack, feeling unwell or faint for example. The Dom needs to recognise them and communicate to the sub they need to stop and stop immediately.
They may need to do that to safely remove any restrictions on the sub to release them for example. I have used a safeword as a Dom in a scene before. The sub was furious with me for stopping something they loved and were enjoying so much, and they were very vocal about that – even after my explaining the situation. That lack of respect for me looking after my own wellbeing meant that I will not see them again.
There are many reasons a Dom safe words, and that must be accepted – consent is a two-way process!
What happens if you use a safeword?
It depends on the scene and what is going on at that moment, but I can give a general idea. Firstly, I will stop whatever we are doing and check “are you ok?”
I will start by removing anything on the head / face / mouth first and then I will take any restraints off in an order that means you are safe – so that they will not fall over. All the time talking to you – making sure you are ok, discuss what you are feeling and what you need to do.
In the dungeon I will have water available, a fan to cool if too hot, a blanket if cold, an energy drink or sweets if blood sugar feels low, just some simple essential supplies. Maybe your emotions have overwhelmed you a bit and you just need a hug.
Whatever aftercare and reassurance you need in that moment is my focus to help you come down and relax safely and comfortably.
But what if you have a gag in or a heavy deprivation hood and your ability to communicate verbally is restricted – what then?
This is a little harder, but something that can be negotiated. Let us say you are in the bondage chair, heavy hood on or gagged and your strapped down. You can’t talk easily, so I use a simple gesture to communicate – repeated movements.
Open and close your fists or wave left to right for example. But not once! Keep doing it until I have noticed and acknowledged it by touching your hands (or body part moving). If you continue to do it once I touch you, I know that is the same as saying RED.
What if you are in a sleep sack? This time bend your feet back and forth – a repetitive motion that you are clearly doing on purpose.
But as I say – it is negotiation prior to the scene and there are many options.
One more thing
Just before I finish off, I want to add a final option to the use of safewords – green and orange. You may want to slow down a little, but not stop … so orange /amber is a good one to use, again traffic lights.
And if you think I may be slowing down or worried, or maybe you want to communicate you want to push harder? Green … keep going!
But most of all remember to negotiate and agree before starting any session! Don’t assume a partner uses the same safeword system as you … and never play without one!
There are many different forms of impact play, and many of them will be covered in videos over the coming months, but this one is an introduction to some of my favourite paddles in the dungeon.
One of the most interesting can be the humble riding crop, small impact area, but visually very nice with its long flexible handle. And that handle, of course, means excellent reach to a boys arse while working boots for example. Cheap, light, lots of styles and a lot of fun!
In the video, I show off my Master U CBT paddle, probably one of my favourites! Small handy size with a carbon-fibre leather-covered handle. The head is double-sided, softer and padded on one and hard and smooth the other. Perfect for ballbusting or a good hard whack on the arse!
Other paddles featured include some CP implements and a smooth hard wooden paddle. All feel very different to use for the spanker and spankee – all give me great pleasure when I hear them.
In the video I also touch in marking, this is a big issue for lots of subs – they can’t / don’t want to be marked so I mention a few techniques that can be used to reduce the chances of this happening in a session. The most important is to tell me before we begin!
Find this and all my videos here.
When the Covid-19 Coronavirus hit I knew it meant one thing for me – no kink and no sessions. And then the official lock down advice kicked in, faced with a completely unknown period of time before I could see any of my clients again I decided I needed to keep my own mental health at the forefront and so took a break from twitter, email and my work phone.
I apologize if you have tried to contact me in this time, but I had to focus on me here and what I was going to do.
But I’m pleased to say the break has done me the world of good, I can’t see anyone for sessions yet but I can get back online and reconnect to people. And part of this is going to be creating some new video content, some videos introducing myself, my gear, my kit and what I like and hopefully giving some advice or information you find useful.
So please get in touch and follow me on Twitter. Or check out my new Video Library, watch and enjoy!
Sir is back!
I am guessing you haven’t heard of the name Enfettered. If you are looking for new furniture for your dungeon, or have some interest in medical play, or just appreciate fucking good quality BDSM gear you really do need to check them out.
I have had the pleasure of visiting Enfettered at their studio just outside Milton Keynes, and it is not until you meet the team and more importantly see the products that you realise they are something very different. To start off with these are products designed by players, experienced players with over 30 years of experience in BDSM.
I have my own dungeon, it has some amazing pieces of kit in it. And finding dungeon furniture that is functional, sexy to look at and sturdy is hard! There aren’t many companies in the world, let alone the UK, that make stuff that fits that brief.
And for me, one of the most important attributes of any furniture is sturdy – like the former PM used to say it has to be strong and stable. I want subs and slaves to feel above all else safe – if the bench or table they are strapped to is wobbling around and they are worried it may collapse I have failed not only as a Dom but a professional.
Above is one of the signature pieces from Enfettered … something I thought looked amazing with the moment I saw it and then fell in with love the moment I touched it. This is their fully-featured version costing £2,795 the series 1 without all the accessories is £1,650 (to which you can add accessories at a later date).
The first thing to notice about this is the size of the box frame for the metalwork – it’s chunky! Approximately twice as large as most other manufacturers, which means two things – firstly strength! This is going to hold the biggest rugby player without any problems. And it’s heavy … with great strength comes great weight. But those four wheels make it the easiest thing to move in your dungeon and once locked that bench is not moving!
When you visit and get up close with Enfettered furniture you will see the attention to detail they have, the back lift on the bench at an angle. In addition to the box frame around the edge of the back it has a centre support too – probably not needed, but that extra support gives you 100% confidence in it.
Some other things to note about the Enfettered range, apart from the fact you may have noticed how much I love them, is the accessory attachments. You can’t see them super clear in this picture, but the side tray, the fucking machine holder etc all have the same size attachment. So you can move things around – and then use them on other furniture too! Or get different attachments later on like a venus/milking attachment holder for example.
The photos here show off some of their other products, and they have added suspension harnesses, silicone restraints and bondage straps (blue in pic above), velcro finished quick release cuffs. The pics above also show the finish of the leatherwork with quilted or stripped stitching in a colour to suit your playspace.
There is one new piece of furniture coming out soon that if you have space for in your dungeon you will definitely want! I know I do … but I just need a bigger dungeon!! Make sure you follow them on twitter to find out what it is!
Check out their website and if you are in the market for dungeon furniture or bondage restraints then I definitely recommend giving them a call and booking in a visit to their showroom dungeon. You won’t be disappointed.